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You Never, You Always: The Effect of Our Words on Others

“You’re going to drop that.”  “You’re always late.”  “You never notice how I look.”  “Your room is always a mess.”  “You never have time for me.”
[break][/break]Have words like these escaped your lips lately?
[break][/break]Yes, you’re busy.  In the stress of the moment, in trying to get several things done at once, you might voice your frustration to your husband and children.  The frustration (and the words) started in your head.  And you’re speaking those things over your loved ones.
[break][/break]What happens when we hear words like these?  Let’s say someone says to you, “You did a terrible job cleaning the kitchen.  Here, wipe off the cabinet.  Put that bag of chips away.  Why didn’t you clean off the stovetop?”
[break][/break]Does this make you want to get right to work and do an excellent job cleaning the kitchen?
[break][/break]Probably not. 
[break][/break]Instead you’re likely to feel resentful or angry.  You might do the work, but probably not with enthusiasm.  Being asked a “why didn’t you” question usually makes you feel defensive.
[break][/break]Rewind.  You did a rotten job on kitchen, it’s true, but someone approached you like this:  “Hey, you’ve really been working in here.  I’ll put the chips away while you wipe off the cabinet.  After you clean off the stovetop this kitchen is going to shine.  Thanks for helping!”
[break][/break]Those simple words would have an entirely different effect.  You might even do a few extras to make sure the kitchen looked great.
[break][/break]What if we expected the best from people and spoke to them accordingly?  Especially those in our home?
[break][/break]What if we treated people better then they deserve?  That’s the definition of mercy.
[break][/break]Most of the time people will unconsciously try to live up to expectations.
[break][/break]There was a wife who started saying to her husband when he was irritable and angry, “Oh, honey, that’s not like you to get angry.  You’re usually so patient.  You must be tired.”  Within a short time her usually bad-tempered husband changed.  He lived up to her expectations.
[break][/break]To think the best of your husband could change how you treat him, and that could very well change him.  As wives, we have so much power in our husband’s lives it’s almost scary.
[break][/break]Instead of assuming that he meant to neglect you, assume that he’s busy and try to think how to encourage him.
[break][/break]Instead of being aggravated that “he only wants one thing,” (and thinking those thoughts with a martyr’s sigh), choose to anticipate and participate like you did when you were a newlywed.
[break][/break]Instead of saying negative, irritated words to your family, change your thoughts and then speak life-giving words to them.
[break][/break]Instead of accusing words like “You never” and “You always,” speak hope-filled words like “Thanks so much” and “I appreciate that.”  It will change the atmosphere in your home.  It could change their behavior.  And it might even change you.
[break][/break]Please leave a comment…
[break][/break]

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About Charlotte

I'm a grateful wife & mom of 12 amazing persons. I love to inspire & teach busy women to find beauty in everyday life by caring for themselves, creating comfortable homes with their families and living out ordinary days with grace and gratitude. I'd love to encourage YOU!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Jan Jones says

    February 16, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Wow, I found myself not liking the title before I even read the article, because I thought it was going to be about how I did something wrong! And I did get defensive before I saw what it was about. But I am guilty of speaking that way to especially my kids.  I love the twist on speaking as though they ARE going to finish the job, and complimenting them on how well they have done the job so far.   It is a really great way to build them up.  Why have I never seen a practical way to implement that before?  I have always just told them AFTER they did a great job, but not WHILE they were still working, adding that I knew they were going to complete the task, and do it well.  My son is always a slowpoke.  I will have to try telling him how quickly he gets things completed, and see how that motivates him.  He is very diligent once he gets going, but sometimes slow to start.

    Reply
  2. Amber says

    February 16, 2012 at 5:38 am

    Great post!  It really IS amazing.  I have found this to be true over the years, and I can’t believe how much the power of words has controlled our home for both good and evil.  Thank you for the encouragement.  I am new to your site.  I discovered it through the Heavenly Homemakers blog.  I visited your page to learn more about TTapp, which I bought and LOVE!!!!  Just had my eighth baby and Theresa’s workout has been SO what I needed.  I figured if a mother of 12 could fit it into her schedule, so could I.  Thank you for the great posts and all of the encouragement.
    Amber Rogers
     

    Reply
  3. Jane Ballenger says

    February 16, 2012 at 6:57 am

    True words Charlotte!  Thanks for the reminder:)
     

    Reply
  4. Vshelby1 says

    February 16, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Awesome and soooooooo true ! Thank you !

    Reply
  5. Suzieinohio says

    February 16, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I agree completely, Charlotte!  Hubby and I have been married over 32 years and are more in love than ever.  We chose to bless and encourage each other every day – and that has made all the difference in the world.

    Reply
  6. Christie says

    February 16, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Thanks, Charlotte! Excellent post ! I do not have much time to read these days, but I am so glad I read this. In less than a week, from three different sources , God seems to be saying ” let no corrupt ( unwholesome) communication proceed out of your mouth , but that which is good to the use of edifying , that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” I suppose “communication” can refer to words AND facial expressions , body language ,etc…

    Reply
  7. Lori says

    February 18, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Charlotte, thanks for this!  I found that God was speaking to me though your post and helped me to realize how negative I have been towads my husband without even realizing it.  This is exacltly what I needed to hear. 

    Reply
  8. Sheridan Ripley says

    April 16, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    The power of our words IS amazing.  Even the words we use for ourselves.  I had a really “busy” month in February and was not looking forward to it.  I changed my thinking to my “exciting” month coming up.  I had to catch myself a lot when I kept saying busy, but within a week or two I was looking forward to February and it actually was a very exciting month. 

    Reply

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I'm a grateful wife & mom of 12 amazing persons. I love to inspire & teach busy women to find beauty in everyday life by caring for themselves, creating comfortable homes with their families and living out ordinary days with grace and gratitude. I'd love to encourage YOU! Read More…

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valuethislife

valuethislife
It’s not so much having a lot to do and many res It’s not so much having a lot to do and many responsibilities....it’s over-committing and the energy of “not being enough” that leads to burnout and adrenal fatigue. Your body will cooperate until it doesn’t.  Check in with yourself: What is driving all this doing? What’s behind all the striving, pushing, proving? Sit with that....and then STOP being so hard on yourself, sweetie. Give yourself a break. See where you can simplify. Think about what refreshes you and bring more of that into your life. 🌱
Day 8 of city-water-shortage-after-frozen-pipes ha Day 8 of city-water-shortage-after-frozen-pipes hair. Today they gave the go-ahead for dishwashers and clothes washers, so this girl will be washing her hair without guilt. A week ago it was snowing and -26 windchill, today it’s 71 degrees and sunshine. Don’t tell anyone, but I like variety so Oklahoma weather suits me.😍
Family favorite: No-Bake Cookies! Our recipe is ju Family favorite: No-Bake Cookies! Our recipe is just right, both chocolate-y and peanut butter-y. We like to eat these while they’re still warm and gooey!  Best No-Bake Cookies  1 stick butter  1/2 c. milk  2 c. sugar  1/2 c. cocoa  Mix in a saucepan and bring to a boil, stirring until melted and combined.  Boil 1 1/2 minutes only! Remove from heat and stir in:  1/2 c. peanut butter  1 tsp. vanilla  3 c. oats (either quick oats or old-fashioned)  Drop by spoonfuls on waxed paper.  Let set and enjoy!
Living and loving with your whole heart.💕That s Living and loving with your whole heart.💕That sounds lovely but exhausting. Maybe it’s because we’re zoomed out, looking at the whole day and our whole life. 
.
God is not asking you to do it all. Especially not all at once. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 
.
Zoom back in to this moment. Do the next thing, but do it with your whole heart. 
.
While you’re doing the thing, stop thinking about all the OTHER things you have to do. The most important things WILL get done, but not all at once.❤️
Pretty college student on her 21st birthday. Our 1 Pretty college student on her 21st birthday. Our 10th child. Straight A student. Absolute delight. And when I found out I was pregnant with her, I couldn’t see how it would work out. All I could see was the current circumstance, the feelings and the fear of the future. Maybe this will encourage you today about a situation in your life. There’s a lot of good and hope in your future.🌱
Snow is rare where I live in Oklahoma. Today it’ Snow is rare where I live in Oklahoma. Today it’s still at the pretty stage, when it covers bare ground and sparkles in the sun. Stray snowflakes are falling like glitter. The melting gray slush is coming, but for today it’s a fairy landscape. Reminds me that we can’t stop time or hold on to life’s moments. We can look for the good right where we are and trust God for the “different” good coming.❄️
A good word for when you’re tempted to be mean t A good word for when you’re tempted to be mean to yourself ❤️
Nobody sittin’ on this garden bench in two degre Nobody sittin’ on this garden bench in two degree weather today!🥶Unusually cold, with rare snow and more to come in Oklahoma. This weather event has disrupted “life as usual.” Prayers for those without power, water or heat right now—rolling power blackouts have begun...
Have you ever procrastinated about doing something Have you ever procrastinated about doing something, with thoughts of dread and overwhelm?😬And then done the thing,  finding that it was easier and faster to get done than you thought it would be?🥴Yeah, me too. Note to self: The dreading and putting off costs a whole lot more emotional energy than just doing the thing. 😊
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Looking For Something?

valuethislife

valuethislife
It’s not so much having a lot to do and many res It’s not so much having a lot to do and many responsibilities....it’s over-committing and the energy of “not being enough” that leads to burnout and adrenal fatigue. Your body will cooperate until it doesn’t.  Check in with yourself: What is driving all this doing? What’s behind all the striving, pushing, proving? Sit with that....and then STOP being so hard on yourself, sweetie. Give yourself a break. See where you can simplify. Think about what refreshes you and bring more of that into your life. 🌱
Day 8 of city-water-shortage-after-frozen-pipes ha Day 8 of city-water-shortage-after-frozen-pipes hair. Today they gave the go-ahead for dishwashers and clothes washers, so this girl will be washing her hair without guilt. A week ago it was snowing and -26 windchill, today it’s 71 degrees and sunshine. Don’t tell anyone, but I like variety so Oklahoma weather suits me.😍
Family favorite: No-Bake Cookies! Our recipe is ju Family favorite: No-Bake Cookies! Our recipe is just right, both chocolate-y and peanut butter-y. We like to eat these while they’re still warm and gooey!  Best No-Bake Cookies  1 stick butter  1/2 c. milk  2 c. sugar  1/2 c. cocoa  Mix in a saucepan and bring to a boil, stirring until melted and combined.  Boil 1 1/2 minutes only! Remove from heat and stir in:  1/2 c. peanut butter  1 tsp. vanilla  3 c. oats (either quick oats or old-fashioned)  Drop by spoonfuls on waxed paper.  Let set and enjoy!
Living and loving with your whole heart.💕That s Living and loving with your whole heart.💕That sounds lovely but exhausting. Maybe it’s because we’re zoomed out, looking at the whole day and our whole life. 
.
God is not asking you to do it all. Especially not all at once. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 
.
Zoom back in to this moment. Do the next thing, but do it with your whole heart. 
.
While you’re doing the thing, stop thinking about all the OTHER things you have to do. The most important things WILL get done, but not all at once.❤️
Pretty college student on her 21st birthday. Our 1 Pretty college student on her 21st birthday. Our 10th child. Straight A student. Absolute delight. And when I found out I was pregnant with her, I couldn’t see how it would work out. All I could see was the current circumstance, the feelings and the fear of the future. Maybe this will encourage you today about a situation in your life. There’s a lot of good and hope in your future.🌱
Snow is rare where I live in Oklahoma. Today it’ Snow is rare where I live in Oklahoma. Today it’s still at the pretty stage, when it covers bare ground and sparkles in the sun. Stray snowflakes are falling like glitter. The melting gray slush is coming, but for today it’s a fairy landscape. Reminds me that we can’t stop time or hold on to life’s moments. We can look for the good right where we are and trust God for the “different” good coming.❄️
A good word for when you’re tempted to be mean t A good word for when you’re tempted to be mean to yourself ❤️
Nobody sittin’ on this garden bench in two degre Nobody sittin’ on this garden bench in two degree weather today!🥶Unusually cold, with rare snow and more to come in Oklahoma. This weather event has disrupted “life as usual.” Prayers for those without power, water or heat right now—rolling power blackouts have begun...
Have you ever procrastinated about doing something Have you ever procrastinated about doing something, with thoughts of dread and overwhelm?😬And then done the thing,  finding that it was easier and faster to get done than you thought it would be?🥴Yeah, me too. Note to self: The dreading and putting off costs a whole lot more emotional energy than just doing the thing. 😊
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